im convinced that my love for you is a fever dream. I don’t really feel it until it hits hard. and here I am bruised because WOW you hit hard. gosh I love you. God knows I love you. I don’t pray a lot like i’m supposed to but when I do its for you. its a prayer that I may find you and if I were to lose you that I would be lost as well. you are a seed in the garden of my mind, the nightmare in my closet. I can’t seem to get rid of you. and maybe because you’re familiar to me, I don’t really want to. I am happy to home you in my fears and doubts until one day you become my very hope and happiness.
I am not a man, but if I was, I would disappoint you even more than I do now. you may love me, unlike you do now, but I will hurt you. you would kiss my forehead and I would push you away. just to know what it feels like. to have the power to mean something more to you. I would push you around. I would be mean, meaner than I have ever been. I would start arguments and toss over the kitchen chairs. just because I know you would never leave. just to test you, and see if that is all it would take. because if I was a girl, I am a girl, and I did these things, you would throw me out. what is it about men that renders you completely foolish? what do they have that I don’t? well I know what they have, but that’s so unimportant (its incredibly important but i’d rather die than admit that). my love is sweeter, my heart is kinder, my hands are softer. is that not enough? I bring you home flowers and do your hair and I am better than any man. at this point, I might as well try to be better than any man you will ever know- so as to ruin your expectations forever. I will make you set unreasonable standards and you will love me for it.
I wonder if I could live with myself, after hurting you. If I lived as you have lived, my conscience would call out to me, a distant memory. You are not cruel. You simply do not understand your power. And when you do, it will disgust you to the greatest extent, and you will exert it with the same passion as a blank piece of paper.
You have the same power as a man. Yet you cower at them like a fool. You are stronger and kinder and lovelier than any man. But he renders you speechless. How could anyone, even him, break your great resolution? How could he treat you terribly and how could you still love him? How could you tell him you love him when you say the same thing to me? How is our love different?
When he reaches out to touch you, is my name the first that comes to mind? Do you wish it was my hands, on your skin? I wonder if he is willing to count all your freckles and listen to your stories and laugh at your jokes. would he stay up waiting for your call?
I do. I lay on my bed, white coversheet with little stitched in flowers, curtains open, light flooding in from the moon, and hope in my heart. I will fall asleep, waiting. And the next morning I will wake up to a message from you the night before saying: r u up?
That’s where it starts. That is where you get me. I am in your grasp, your grip. I am the bird in the jaws of the coyote. Sharp teeth bite down on brittle bones, I am thankful to be given to a hungry being greater than me. may my life bring you comfort. may my flesh ease your hunger. may my soul bring yours in balance.
I love you. I love and I love and I love like an open wound. crying for help, hoping to be clean once again, aching to be over with it all. I love and have loved and will continue to love you.