this summer is full of harry styles on vinyl, eating nectarines in the car before my shift, reading middlesex in the texas sun, wearing a gold heart anklet to the gym, writing with red pen in my journal, smelling like citrus and coconut, painting tote bags, taking pictures with old cameras, painting my nails funky greens and yellows, sipping raspberry tea while scrolling Pinterest, and fingerpicking on the guitar different variations of the A chord.
last summer was languidly lying around and dreaming in the softness of my sheets. this summer is bright, beautiful, and BANG! from old loves to new crushes that tickle the sweetheart inside me, everything has changed. Next year I will be a junior- closer to graduation and the blank space of the future.
there is so much here, in the free hours of the day. from the second I get off work, to the seconds I note as my feet pound the treadmill, the pages I count as I page through another book, and the minutes that tick by as I waste away on my phone. But I am getting better, slowly- day by day, I am growing and giving and working hard to become everything I wished to be when I was eight.
now, the clock on my nightstand has flipped to 10:00 pm and I have to be normal and natural and get a good nights sleep. Because that is what happy people do. And I am happy- in the basic sense of the word. I smile at babies in the grocery store, I hug my friends before they leave my house, I squeeze her hand before she drives away. This is all happiness through connection. But, do I look at the sunshine as it casts itself through the tree branches and think of sweet thoughts? I’m not sure anymore. I don’t know what is the honest me and what is a performance I put on for the tiny people in my mind. If I am performing, am I not achieving some sort of happiness? As in, pretending to be something has to come from some sort of honesty within oneself- like acting as a cruel character pulls from the darkest edges of your conscience. So, in a way, maybe I am being honest, and maybe that is happiness.
this summer is for happiness- something I know nothing about.
i adore the honesty and authenticity in this